Friday, 14 June 2024 7:50 PM

How Losing My Baby at Birth Strengthened My Faith

After long hours of pain, I birthed my baby. The one I had been praying for when she was in my womb, the one I’ve fed, the one I prayed to meet, but there she was still. Not moving. Not crying. Shock washed over me. As the doctor removed the placenta and stitched my third-degree cuts, I felt no pain. I watched how they tried to resuscitate her. All the efforts went to waste. I saw my husband’s tears, but I couldn’t cry. It was too much of a shock. It felt unreal.

Here I was in pain, and my breast had started milking with no baby to feed it to. Each passing day didn’t make it any easier. People flooded my house, not to say congratulations but to sympathize with me. This was not how I pictured it. This was not God’s plan for me! It had to be the devil somewhere. I took up a bold front; I did not cry in the presence of family and friends. I quoted scriptures on how God uses bad things for His own purpose, but deep down inside of me, I was crumbling. My world was shattering. I had questions. Why did it happen? Why did the God I love so much allow it to happen? Why do I have to thank Him for being alive even though my baby was dead? I had tough questions that no one had answers to. I started feeling anxious, and I could not face people. When someone came to talk to me, my stomach tightened, my heart began to beat fast, and my blood pressure spiked. My husband was ever-supportive, but at some point, he got tired and wondered why I was healing slowly. I couldn’t walk, and all the pain I felt was a reminder that I had a baby who was no more. It was enough to make me give up on God or faith, but I saw it as a test of my faith. Will I hold on to God in spite of the fire? Or will I walk away from Him?

I now understand the decision of the three Hebrew boys to stand in the face of a burning furnace, an angry king who felt spited, and gold idols which they refused to bow down to. I now understand that it was not an easy decision to say, “The God we serve will deliver us, and even if He doesn’t, we don’t mind burning to ashes” (Daniel 3:16-18). I begin to understand that there are times God will deliver, and there will be a big testimony, and there are times when God will shut His eyes and let it happen. Even Jesus felt abandoned in those times, and He cried, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” Paul the Apostle wrote, “Our light affliction is working for us a greater weight of glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17). We need to get to the place where the tough questions don’t matter, where we can follow God in spite of our situation and circumstances.

Rising from the ashes to trust God can be an uphill climb, but you have to keep moving. Losing my baby was not the end of my story; I had another baby a year and 7 months after. My pregnancy was smooth, and my delivery was fast. I had my second baby within 5 minutes of lying in the hospital bed. I got discharged within 24 hours. I know that if we are faithful to follow God no matter what happens, He will continue to carry us underneath His everlasting arms and cover us in the shadow of His wings (Deuteronomy 32:27).

I still don’t have answers to my tough questions. Do I still miss my baby? Once in a while, we talk about her. Do I still feel the pain of losing her? Yes, I do sometimes. But I am stronger, and my faith in God is unshaken.

There might still be more situations that will make me ask these tough questions, but I know that God holds my hands and He can and will walk me through life. After all, He declares in His word, “I know the thoughts that I think towards you. Thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).

God is in the details of your life, and He longs to have a deep relationship with you. He wants to be your friend, love you, and sing over you. He is everything. Leave the tough questions for now; you know someday you will see Him face to face.

Until next time,
God’s Blessings!

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